The truth: a realisation of the world and my ‘place’​ in it.

I’ve just watched ‘Words on the bathroom wall’, a film about a young man living with schizophrenia, and it consolidated a penny drop moment, an alignment, a clarity I recently felt and rarely experience.

For years I’ve struggled to find somewhere I can be the true version of myself.

I pride myself on being self-aware, so this following realisation is extremely raw emotionally. Emotional, because that is how I process events.

I’ve realised I live in a world which isn’t designed for me. I already hear in your mind that this seems egocentric, however there is more to it, and I intend to explain.

Every day I make a choice to step up to the challenge of engaging with a world which writes with different pens, in different fonts, paints with different colours on different canvases, interacts using indirect messages with direct implication, hiding behind tone of voice, a world which perceives differently to me. I hope this weight of treading on eggshells, and constant consequence consideration can be metaphorically billed back to the people causing me to overthink rather than letting them cloud my thoughts and live in my head ‘rent-free’. It’s ironic I coined my writing name Real Rubens as the reality is it reflects the process of turning my unfiltered, uncontrolled, untamed thoughts into a real, understandable, relatable and digestible format of written words. The world and I challenge each other.

The world prompts me to take medication so I fit in or get counselling so others can understand me better. How can I consciously, consensually, contently mask the genuine, true, authentic version of myself (just because my brain hasn’t evolved like other people’s)? Because my thoughts are wired differently? I can’t accept that. I don’t accept that. Who we are matters. Who we are is special. I am happy not fitting in if it means I can be myself more. I will just go fit in somewhere else. Unfiltered self-expression is the best. My ‘way’ serves a purpose, is value adding, can be a company’s capitalisation of a unique selling point.

A toast to those who these words resonate with. A toast to those trying to understand these words. And a thank you for reading this reflection.

Be well. Stay you, stay fruity. Don’t change for anyone. Be you. Be proud. Be fruity. Give yourself permission to let yourself loose.

Show your colours, be brave, imagine if it was the latest craze, clarity the new drug, the new daze, forgetting about navigating the etiquette maze, expelling prejudice in the world like on the floor, look there it lays, neurodiversity is special, and we achieve wonders our ways.

From an Undergraduate to a typical employee: Here’s what they don’t tell you…

Great you secured a job offer, and you are starting your placement, huge congratulations! Next challenge is the transition. The ‘transition’ from university to work is essentially your probationary period to see if you can work in the team doing the job they need you to do (note this works both way, you don’t have to stay!).

Companies don’t tell you is how to readjust to the change of environment. A willingness to learn can be beneficial.

In this article, I will explore some aspects that change when you start working. These include the transition from studying to working and free time, housing arrangements, communication and language, prioritising the workload and teamwork and stepping up.

Studying to working and free time –

It’s easy to become accustomed to a long summer holiday after studying from the September to May. I struggled to balance the additional workload in second year, I used to think even if I did 20 minutes of studying instead of swim training, for example, I could learn something I wouldn’t have learned that day.

A placement have me an understanding of working life that demonstrates how, for most people (who aren’t teachers in schools), summer holidays don’t exist in the working world.

Studying every day at any hour changes to a schedule of working 9-5.30 (which isn’t enforced so out of self-respect consider swiftly switching off outside these hours). At work you get your evenings and weekends back (in theory). This is where you can get your work life balance and explore other interests (if you still have the energy after your working day).

Housing arrangements –

Wanting to save money I looked at house sharing and having the experience I did I recommend you check out the existing tenants to prevent any surprises. Try making a list of pros and cons of house sharing/commuting to see what would work for you.

Communication and language –

At university I picked up slang. But slang was not useful for a placement. Therefore, by being ‘professional’ I was able to portray a version of myself that others could work with. This human perception is important for gaining trust, respect and expanding your remit.

Prioritising the workload –

As a student I went from balancing writing up lectures, preparing revision materials, reading and writing coursework to as an employee, making sure I was ready for meetings, had my actions as up to date as possible, and that I was on top of my emails as much as possible.

In both cases, time is the biggest factor for how much gets done which isn’t a big surprise, but a placement helps you work more effectively as you have more deadlines. For example, working at 80% to make sure you do what you need to do and working the other 20% thinking about what’s coming up. Whereas at University there is arguably fewer consequences for not spending ‘enough’ time studying.

Teamwork and stepping up –

At university a lot of the work is independent and group work may difficult as people may not contribute equally.

However, at work teamwork is essential to work continuity, productivity and service delivery. During placement you will be working in part of a team under supervision, taking responsibility for tasks regardless of your level of interest, therefore you will need to communicate more frequently than you may have been doing at university, at times which may not suit you.

Conclusion –

Whereas in university you will be responsible for turning up to lectures and paying your rent on time, at work you will be responsible for being punctual and being on top of your workload.

Unlike university where you don’t have to build trust and respect among your peers and lecturers, you will have to do so for your teammates. Therefore, work needs you to have a range of interpersonal skills that university doesn’t necessarily prepare you for.

Why suicide is a trigger for me: Part 1 of 2, neurodiversity, thoughts, and emotions.

Disclaimer: This is an emotive piece of writing with little filter. Please do not read if this may cause distress. Trigger warning.

This article reads well following the piece on loss of identity. (Loss being a form of grief).

A trigger could be defined as something that causes a significant emotional state.

My attention deficit means I struggle to regulate emotions. For example, most words hold significant emotive meaning to me. Recently someone I see most days said that someone had ‘committed suicide’. When I hear this phrase, I feel so many raw, unfiltered emotions metaphorically bubbling in my stomach, creating a knot in my throat, shutting down the words and sending a shiver of seemingly limitless energy up my spine ready to physically fight, ready to champion someone’s needs, ready to effortlessly challenge bigots in my way. As alluded, the phrase ‘committed suicide’ makes me feel anger at the injustice that person may have felt, empathy for the struggle they must have been through, sadness that they weren’t supported enough and jealousy that they were able to find an escape to the cruelty of this world that is difficult to find sustainably.

Releasing emotions brings me catharsis quicker than alternatives. My attention deficit manifests as an ‘all or nothing’ mentality where I love to indulge, binging on food, staying up late, or doing what I want with little flexibility thanks to how my autism presents. To compound this, my obsessive-compulsiveness manifests as misinterpreting, romanticising negative interactions and catastrophising information, leading to a skewed life experience, feeding the self-destructive cycle of guilt, shame and self-hatred.

I have deep rooted suicide ideation or jealously hearing about the escape of suicide. For example, we are taught to compete, succeed, ‘make money’ rather than be kind and look after our mental health. I’m still learning how to look after my mental health and satisfy cognitive impulses. These impulses hit me like a physical force where I feel like I’m standing on poolside being pushed into the pool, like a slap to the face, like a metaphorical dangling carrot and all I have to do is stop filtering my thoughts for a split second. It’s incredibly hard to stop this impulse or thought and actively challenge suicide ideation. Denying suicide ideation is easy, and talking about it freely is seductive, but inconclusive. I don’t have plans to commit suicide, but for a few days a week I feel low enough where it seems easier not to be alive or continue living. Thanks blogging, you may have created a safe enough space to save me.

This is a cathartic, unfiltered piece, free of consequences. Free of any consequences, what a beautiful fallacy. Forever finding beauty in ideas since reality can be so different.

How can I be a friend to myself when I don’t have a friend ‘like me’?

Self-aware but not motivated enough to change. My motivation is fully channelled into meeting goals I’ve been taught to want with little left over to confront negative thought processes.

Thanks, bullies, for empowering me to shape my own success, tap into an unlimited reserve of raw passion, and providing constant validation of my values and affirmations.

Thanks, my close friends for supporting me now, previously, to come, on my journey I have chosen you to be a part of and more widely those reading this now.

For support on coping with suicidal thoughts please check out the signposting page, talk to someone, or/and visit your gp.

My passion, my fire, is my neurodiverse superpower. Available at any hour, blossoms like a flower, untouchable like the top of a tower. My determination, my fight, my battle is enough to make others cower, bring me along and with truth I will shower.

Good day all! 🙌 Blog content update –

• Tomorrow I will publish a guest blog ‘The fight for my life’.

#staytuned #stayyou #stayhungry #stayfruity

Yours always,

Real Rubens

One of tomorrow’s feature images –

Guest post: Inside a year abroad

BY JOSEF WOLFE

During the academic year of 2017/18, I had the privilege of completing my second year of university in Caen, France. In this article, I’ll share my perspective, and why I believe everyone, who has the chance, should embark on such a journey. What do you you think the benefits are of a year abroad?

What is a study year abroad?

Study year abroad is an opportunity to complete a year of university away from your home University. For me, this was going to EM Normandie in France from the University of Portsmouth in the UK. Usually, the way this works is the university has exchange partners whereby students from both universities have the opportunity to study at each other’s universities. 

The hurdles of doing a year abroad.

There were numerous times when you think to yourself ‘how did I end up here’, and that’s all part of the fun! Sometimes the journey is more important than the destination.

Various cultures in the same place: This was one of the first things that struck me, during my first semester there were no other English people, and that was for the first time in my life. What I didn’t think at the time was ‘so is everybody else in this room’. You quickly find people, regardless of background/culture, with similarities and develop a sense of cultural awareness. What would you do if you could be immersed into another culture?

Flexibility/Adaptability: Before my year abroad, I would have considered myself flexible – I would happily take on many different roles. However a different type of flexibility/adaptability come to you when have to suddenly work with a group of people you have never met, from all over the globe, and now you have to do a project together! Being part of a team like that is, and you do learn a lot. Being adaptable or tolerant is a life long skill. What could you do to be more adaptable?

Proactiveness: One thing I quickly learnt about France was bureaucracy is everywhere. Just when you think you’ve completed everything, a piece of Bureaucracy will come and find you. Having not dealt with anything like this before I quickly learnt that becoming proactive in finding and solving issues like this was the only way in which you can keep on top of it all. How would you deal with unexpected challenges?

Why I would recommend a study abroad:

There is no better way than to improve meaningful life and business skills by actively engaging them. Doing a year abroad teaches you to actively demonstrate these skills, whether you are meeting strangers from a different country for the first time, developing your confidence/adaptability or having to proactively sort out all the insurances required for living in France! What could you do to hone your skills further?

Thanks to everyone involved in this journey, and thanks for reading!