Disclaimer: This is an emotive piece of writing with little filter. Please do not read if this may cause distress. Trigger warning.
This article reads well following the piece on loss of identity. (Loss being a form of grief).
A trigger could be defined as something that causes a significant emotional state.
My attention deficit means I struggle to regulate emotions. For example, most words hold significant emotive meaning to me. Recently someone I see most days said that someone had ‘committed suicide’. When I hear this phrase, I feel so many raw, unfiltered emotions metaphorically bubbling in my stomach, creating a knot in my throat, shutting down the words and sending a shiver of seemingly limitless energy up my spine ready to physically fight, ready to champion someone’s needs, ready to effortlessly challenge bigots in my way. As alluded, the phrase ‘committed suicide’ makes me feel anger at the injustice that person may have felt, empathy for the struggle they must have been through, sadness that they weren’t supported enough and jealousy that they were able to find an escape to the cruelty of this world that is difficult to find sustainably.
Releasing emotions brings me catharsis quicker than alternatives. My attention deficit manifests as an ‘all or nothing’ mentality where I love to indulge, binging on food, staying up late, or doing what I want with little flexibility thanks to how my autism presents. To compound this, my obsessive-compulsiveness manifests as misinterpreting, romanticising negative interactions and catastrophising information, leading to a skewed life experience, feeding the self-destructive cycle of guilt, shame and self-hatred.
I have deep rooted suicide ideation or jealously hearing about the escape of suicide. For example, we are taught to compete, succeed, ‘make money’ rather than be kind and look after our mental health. I’m still learning how to look after my mental health and satisfy cognitive impulses. These impulses hit me like a physical force where I feel like I’m standing on poolside being pushed into the pool, like a slap to the face, like a metaphorical dangling carrot and all I have to do is stop filtering my thoughts for a split second. It’s incredibly hard to stop this impulse or thought and actively challenge suicide ideation. Denying suicide ideation is easy, and talking about it freely is seductive, but inconclusive. I don’t have plans to commit suicide, but for a few days a week I feel low enough where it seems easier not to be alive or continue living. Thanks blogging, you may have created a safe enough space to save me.
This is a cathartic, unfiltered piece, free of consequences. Free of any consequences, what a beautiful fallacy. Forever finding beauty in ideas since reality can be so different.
How can I be a friend to myself when I don’t have a friend ‘like me’?
Self-aware but not motivated enough to change. My motivation is fully channelled into meeting goals I’ve been taught to want with little left over to confront negative thought processes.
Thanks, bullies, for empowering me to shape my own success, tap into an unlimited reserve of raw passion, and providing constant validation of my values and affirmations.
Thanks, my close friends for supporting me now, previously, to come, on my journey I have chosen you to be a part of and more widely those reading this now.
For support on coping with suicidal thoughts please check out the signposting page, talk to someone, or/and visit your gp.
My passion, my fire, is my neurodiverse superpower. Available at any hour, blossoms like a flower, untouchable like the top of a tower. My determination, my fight, my battle is enough to make others cower, bring me along and with truth I will shower.
Professionally, I help people with a disability secure volunteering and employment. I branched out to work with Choices Waves which is an exciting broadcasting station supporting people to learn skills for employment.
Kerry Brown and I discussed ‘Reconnecting: Transitioning from lockdown and being locked in to re-emerging and #reconnecting to the community.’
This podcasts reflects on expectations (masks, perception of covid, what to say if you’re not wearing a mask at rigid venues, and touches on anxiety), how to overcome potential hurdles (masks now optional, ask for help, plan to visit less busy shops through quieter routes, remember the benefits of reconnecting) and tips (regain your routine, re-explore at your own pace, share your preferences, write down your goals, it’s ok to cancel and try to be a friend to yourself).
Disclaimer – this is an emotive piece of writing. Please don’t underestimate your intrinsic value. There are reflective questions included which you may find useful. This is helpful if you may not have much time to reflect day-to-day.
The following article came from a conversation with a young man who lost his friends at 17. He has turned his life into a marvellous mission to make those he lost proud and to support those affected. This young man is a passionate, inspirational and aspirational individual who is a beacon of hope. Relish in his journey and use it as a tool to reflect and help you move forward.
Knowing what you are born to do or finding your passions can be difficult. This search for happiness or fulfilment can be affected by life events. Some life events are extremely challenging to deal with and this may lead to wanting to escape. How you choose to escape is critical. Dealing with escape or keeping in touch with reality and using your support network can provide some comfort. It would be helpful to take your time and take a break and get a better balance rather than escape reality. How do you get a better balance?
Overcoming setbacks is an extremely personal process. You may find it helpful to refocus on your other goals. For example, if family life is difficult, focus on your work, if work is difficult, focus on your extracurricular activities. This shows how interchangeably you can change your focus and reprioritise. You may find it useful to deal with these worries promptly. Postponing worry can be useful while you research your options but if this leads to inaction then it’s best to deal with the worry promptly. How do you deal with setbacks?
Survivor’s guilt from not protecting friends at the age of 17:
Loosing someone can be extremely challenging and emotional. You may find yourself re-evaluating your life decisions and working out if you are becoming the change you want to see or not. Be reassured there is no such thing as a waste of time but rather learning opportunities to invest in yourself. This is so powerful because you could discover a passion or realign your lifestyle around your values. How do you work with your emotions?
You may feel pressure from losing someone. For example, feeling like you need to make them proud or prove yourself to your loved one. This can be overwhelming. It is important to acknowledge and accept this pressure to remain calm and collected. You should remember to take your time on your journey, as rushing your life can be detrimental to your wellbeing and potential for happiness. However, you can also use this feeling as motivation and a drive for you to achieve your goals to make them proud, in your own time of course. What could you do to feel less pressure?
Having a friend taken at such a young age can be extremely confusing and traumatic. For example, you may ask yourself why did I survive? Why wasn’t it me? These questions are critical rather than reflective. You may find it more helpful to ask how can I get over this? What’s next?
The courage to continue is critical. For example, you may feel hopeless, sad and even depressed. This is completely normal. After going through a life changing event, you would do well to take your time and continue your journey one day at a time. Life may be as simple as existing. You should acknowledge your courage to continue. How can you increase your courage further?
Addressing powerlessness:
One young man lost his friends at a young age. This led him to develop a sense of duty to his friends. This call became his mission. Realising his divine duty, he now looks to develop himself as much as possible to support the lives of those affected. The word admirable doesn’t come close to this calling. Using powerlessness as fuel for conviction can be so powerful. How do you support those around you?
Life is meaningful. You are special, and everyone is unique and warrants respect. You deserve respect not just for what you may have achieved but also for being a unique individual with your own way of thinking, your own set of skills and strengths. You should feel reassured knowing that there are like-minded people in the world. What could you do to connect with like-minded people?
Positivity is important. Remaining optimistic, hopeful and confident in your own abilities is vital. When you have positivity, hopefulness and confidence in your toolkit, you will be an unstoppable force of righteousness and purpose. You will touch other people’s lives, and they will be better for having spent time with you and your positivity. You will become the positive influence which has a positive ripple effect. You will become the best version of yourself. How could you develop your sense of optimism, hope and confidence?
Supporting those feeling empty or futile
Reintegrating people into the community is key. The golden rule is to treat people as you want to be treated. The platinum rule is to treat people as they want to be treated, and this requires empathy. This can be applied to say you should integrate people who are struggling into a community they are familiar with. For example, at university this might be joining a society. Therefore, the individuals will get access to a larger support network that will help them regain their courage, confidence and hope. How would you connect other people to the support their needs?
We are all humans. We have a moral duty to support each other. For example, people who are homeless, people with mental health challenges and people with a disability to name a few. You have the power to influence the lives of the people around you. This can be done by encouraging and guiding others. By helping others, this may help you become a better version of yourself. You have the potential to be the change you want to see. How do you positively influence the lives of other people around you?
You deserve respect, as does everyone else. For example, understanding others rather than fearing others. This can lead to a healthier growth mindset where you become flexible, adaptive and tolerant of other people. By being adaptable to other people you will see your potential increase significantly along with those around you. What could you to do be more adaptable to other people?
Conclusion:
Everyone is on a journey. Connecting with others is key. Having the courage to continue is admirable. Being part of someone’s support network has a power and sense of purpose so great, you will find yourself living better. You don’t own all the world’s problems. There’s a way that your problems can be solved step by step.
Joining communities and encouraging participation is so important. Connecting with other people who are like-minded and share your passions can be a great source of inspiration. Be the change you want to see. Be the advocate, be the voice and be ready to embrace the overwhelming joy, energy and optimism that comes with it.
Thank you for reading my latest article. If any of these worries affected you, please reach out to my friend Nour who would happily talk to you. Additionally, you could phone a helpline, please see below a link to my website which has pooled helpline details from the NHS website.
stayyoustayfruity.wordpress.com 
